Sunday, November 9, 2014

Wrong Persons Marriage


Wrong Persons Marriage
Marry the wrong person - one of the easiest and most expensive mistakes that any of us can do. Sometimes we see a pair with the base, so striking discrepancy; such a profound incompatibility that can conclude that there is something more for ordinary disappointments and stresses long-term relationships, some people just should not be together.

As these errors occur?
So easily and regularly, that horror. The reasons why people make the wrong choices are easily isolated and no wonder at its core. Out can be divided into the following main categories.
First, we do not understand ourselves
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When we first look for a partner, it demands that we put forward, painted a lovely sentimental nonspecific uncertainty: we say that we really want to find someone who is "good" or "fun with someone" who is "attractive" or "prone to adventure "...
Not that it's bad desires, they just are not even close enough to understand that we  specifically  want to ensure that we have a chance to be happy, or rather not constantly miserable.
All of us in a special way crazy. We definitely neurotic, unbalanced and immature, but do not know the details, because no one is ever too is not encouraging us to find them. So special, the main task of any lover - to cope with the specific nuances of their own folly.
He or she must be a corresponding own neuroses. They need to understand where it went, what made them so, and, most importantly, what kind of people they are provoked or soothe. Good partnership - is not between two healthy people (those on the planet and there is no particular), it is between two imbeciles who can or who are lucky enough to find a non-threatening consciousness coordination between two relatively madness.
The idea that we might not be very difficult as people should be alarming for any prospective partner. The only question is in what area will lie the problem: maybe we undercurrent is enraged when someone disagrees with us, or we can relax only if you are working or we some uneasy about intimacy after sex, or we never turned out well explain why we worry. These are the problems that create the disaster in decades, about which is why we need to know in advance to look for people that are optimal in structure to withstand them. Standard issue on any earlier date should be very simple: "And what are you crazy (or crazy)?"
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The problem is that to the knowledge of our own neuroses not so easy to get to. It can take years and require the situations in which we have never been. Before marriage we rarely involved in such a dynamic that keeps the right mirror for our frustration. When less serious relationship threatened to reveal the complex side of our nature, we tend to blame the partner - and say that it's all over. As to our friends - they are predictably not so much care about us, to have some motive to explore the real us. They just want to have a good evening. Thus we arrive at the fact that we are blind to the weaknesses of our characters.
Themselves when we rage, we will not cry if nobody listen - and therefore lose sight of our real, desperate force of rage. Or we work all the time without thinking, yet no one is calling us home for dinner - we use manic work for a sense of control over life - and what the hell we can arrange to anyone who tries to stop us. At night, everything that we feel is the desire sweet hug someone, but we do not have the opportunity to meet with his party to avoid intimacy, which can make us cold and alien, even if we feel that we are deeply committed to someone. One of the greatest privileges of being alone - flattering illusion consider myself calm and sociable.
With such a poor level of understanding of our nature there is nothing surprising in the fact that we can not know who we need to look for.
Second, we do not understand other people
This problem is compounded by the fact that other people are at the same low level of knowledge itself as we are. No matter how well-meaning they would not have been, they too can not understand, let alone to tell us what is wrong with them.
Naturally we throw touchstones in an attempt to recognize them. We go and visit their families, sometimes the place where they learned in childhood, we look at the pictures, we meet with their friends. All of this is the feeling that we have prepared. But that's about as novice pilot would guess that can fly after launched a paper airplane in the room.
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In a wise society of the future partners will hold each other through a detailed psychological testing and assessment of many sent to the teams of psychologists. By 2100 it will no longer sound like a joke. Secret is why humanity is so long this went on.
We need to know the internal functioning of the human psyche, with whom we want to get married. We need to know their attitude and position on the power of humiliation, self-awareness, sexual intimacy, projections, money, children, aging, loyalty, and hundreds of things besides. That knowledge can not be obtained in the usual conversation.
In the absence of all that we most control over how they look. It seems that so much information can be collected in what their eyes, the nose, the shape of the forehead, the distribution of wrinkles, smile ... But it's like to think that the picture outside the plant can tell us everything we need to know about the splitting atom.
We are "projecting" a number of perfection on favorite based on very modest evidence. In the view of the whole personality of the small but memorable parts we do with the inner nature of man is the same as our vision to make a sketch of the face.
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We do not see in this picture of someone without nostrils, with eight strands of hair and no eyelashes. We fill in the missing parts, not noticing how we do it. Our brain is trained to take small visual cues and design of their entire figure, and we do the same thing when it comes to the nature of our future spouse. We paid dearly for that, much more than is supposed to be very good artists modifies reality.
The level of knowledge that we need to treat for marriage is higher than our society is willing to support, recognize and agree - so our social practices around the family is deeply wrong.
Third, we are not used to be happy
We believe that looking for happiness in love, but it's not so simple. In fact, we are looking for what is familiar - that could complicate any plans for happiness, that we have.
We vossozdaёm in adult relationships that some of the feelings that we have learned in childhood. We were children when they first come to know and understand what it means to love. But unfortunately, the lessons that we have received may not be so simple. The love that we learned as children, can be woven with other, less pleasant dynamics: to be controlled, to feel the humiliation of being thrown, not socialize, shorter suffer.
As adults, we deny some healthy candidates on which the encounter, not because they are wrong, but because they are too balanced (too ripe, too who understand too reliable), and this is correct looks unfamiliar and alien, oppressive, even.
Instead, we rush to the candidates, which extends our unconscious, not because they make us nicely, but because they live with us familiar way.
We are entering into a marriage with the wrong people because they do not look so right - undeservedly; because we do not have the experience of health, because totally be loved not associate us with a feeling of satisfaction.
Fourth: to be one so badly
If left alone unbearable, then no one can be in the right state of mind for a rational choice of the partner. We must be absolutely satisfied with the prospect of years of loneliness, if we want to have a chance to form a good relationship.Or we do not like to be alone than we love partner who came to us in such a way we are.
Unfortunately, society, after a certain age, loneliness makes dangerous unpleasant. Social life fades, couples feel threatened in the independence of individuals to invite them too often, the person feels a freak walking alone in the cinema. Sex is also difficult to obtain. With all the new gadgets and presupposes freedom of modernity can be very difficult to be with someone in bed and wait to do it regularly after 30 associated with disappointment.
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Much better to reconstruct society on the principle of the university or the hostel - with catering, shared facilities, constant partying and sexual mixing ... In this case, anyone who decides to get married will be sure that it makes the benefits of pairing reasons, and not avoid the negative side of loneliness.
When sex generally been available only in marriage, people realized that it leads to marriage for the wrong reasons: to get something that was artificially restricted in society as such. People are free to make the best choice of whom to marry now, when they are not just a desperate desire for sex.
But in other areas of the deficit remains. When communicating to the company is only available for couples, people will make them just to rid themselves of loneliness. Time release "communication-companionship" from the shackles of pairing, make it as accessible like how to make sex fighters for his freedom.
Fifth, more prestige instincts
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In ancient times, the marriage was a rational thing; everything was in the mix of your piece of land with them. It was cold, ruthless, and is not connected with the happiness of the protagonists. We still have this sick.
We replaced the marriage because marriage by instinct, romantic marriage. This dictates that the only way to marriage should be feeling about another person. If someone feels that he "likes" - this is enough. No more questions.Feeling celebrated triumph. Others only applaud his appearance, respecting how to respect the convergence of the divine spirit. Parents may be horrified, but they have to assume that only a couple knows the truth. We have the last three hundred years of collective response to thousands of years of ruthless intervention based on prejudice, snobbery and lack of imagination.
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Former "marriage of convenience" was so meticulous and prudent that one of the qualities of feelings of marriage is seen that a man should not think very much, why did he marry. Analysis of the solution feels a "non-romantic". Paint the tables pros and cons seems absurd and cold. The most romantic thing you can do - make an offer quickly and suddenly, perhaps for one or more weeks in a rush of enthusiasm - with no chance to make a terrible "thinking" that guaranteed the sadness people thousands of years before. Recklessness scenario is the same sign that the marriage will be all right exactly because the old type of "security" was a danger to happiness.
Sixth, we do not go to the school of love
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It is time for the third type of marriage. Marriage in psychology. Such wherein marry not for land, and not only because of the "feeling", but only when the "feeling" was held under the auspices of the proper test of a mature awareness of the psychology of self and other.
Currently we are getting married without any information. We almost did not read the book on special topics, do not spend more than a little time with the children, not interrogate rigorously other married couples or speak sincerely with divorced. We go into it without some inner understanding of the reasons why a marriage breaks up, moreover, that the supposed stupidity or lack of imagination of participants.
In the age of marriage of convenience, the following criteria were considered:
- Who their parents
- how much land they have
- as far as they are culturally close.
In the romantic era look at the following signs showing that everything is correct
- can not stop thinking about the beloved
- Experiencing sexual passion
- like each other
- can long talk.
We need a new set of criteria. We need to know:
- What they are mad
- they can raise children together
- they can grow together
- as they will be able to remain friends
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Seventh: We want to freeze happiness
We are doomed and desperate urge to do nice things constant. We want to have a car that we like, we want to live in a country that we enjoy as a tourist. And we want to marry a man with whom we had a fab time.
We imagine that marriage - a guarantee of happiness, which we with someone enjoy. What it will do permanent that otherwise fleeting.
This will help us to catch in a bottle joy - the joy we felt when the idea to make a proposal first came to our mind: in Venice, the lagoon, on a yacht, with the evening sun casts a golden glare across the sea, the prospect of a dinner in a small fishing restaurant with a loved one in a cashmere sweater in our arms ... We are getting married to make it a permanent feeling.
Unfortunately, there is no causal link between marriage and these feelings. Feelings were due to Venice, the time of year of rest from work, the pleasure of dinner, two months dating someone ... nothing that marriage increases or guarantees.
Marriage does not preserves moments. This time depends on the fact that you are someone you know only a little, that you are not working, that you stayed in a lovely hotel near the Canal Grande, that you had a wonderful evening at the Guggenheim Museum that you just ate chocolate ice cream ...
Marriage is not has the power to keep the relationship on this beautiful stage. He does not control the ingredients of our happiness at this point. In fact, the marriage will be determined to move our relationship to another, completely different point: life in the suburbs, a long chat, two small children. The only thing that is common - partner. And this may be the wrong ingredient in this bottle.
Do impressionists of the 19th century was the hidden philosophy transience quote us wise direction. They took what happiness is transient, as the existence of built-in quality, and could help to increase the reconciliation with it. Sisley Painting depicting scenes of the French winter focuses on attractive but completely elusive things. During sunset, the sun is about to disappear over the horizon. The glow of the sky for a short time makes the branches bare branches less stringent. Snow in quiet harmony with the gray wall; cold seems calm, even exhilarating. After a few minutes nightfall.
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Alfred Sisley, The Watering Place at Marly-le-Roi, 1875
Impressionism interested in the fact that the things we love most - volatile, they have only a short time and then disappear. He notes that kind of happiness that lasts a few minutes rather than years. Snow in the picture looks nice, but it will melt. At this moment, the sky is fine, but it is about to get dark. This style of art develop skills that extend beyond the art itself, the skill of attention a brief moment of satisfaction.
The peak moments of life short. Happiness does not come in the form of multi-year blocks. Under the leadership of the Impressionists we might be willing to take some moments of everyday paradise, come our way, not making mistakes, they all, without having to convert them into "marriage".
Eighth: we think we are special
Statistics are not encouraging. Everyone sees a horrible enough about marriage. They see their friends who try and disperse. Everybody knows that marriages are generally huge complexity. And still we are not so easy to apply that knowledge to themselves. Especially it is not speaking, we assume that this is the rules that apply to other people.
Even if the statistics say that the chance that a marriage fall apart - one in two - it seems acceptable, especially if you are in love, it seems that the chances are much higher. Favourite people felt like one in a million. And with such a winning combination bet on marriage seems completely justified.
We silently exclude themselves from generalizations. And none of us in this is not the accused. But we can take advantage of in order to see themselves exposed to a common destiny.
Ninth: we want to stop thinking about love
Most likely we had a few years of turbulence in our personal lives before we got married. We tried to be with people we did not like, and we started destroying unions, we went to endless parties in the hope of someone to meet, to know the excitement and bitter disappointments.
No wonder that at some point we become enough of this. Part of the reasons that we want to get married - to weaken the grip of an all-consuming love in our souls. We depleted melodramas and shocks that lead nowhere. Other difficulties do not give us peace. We hope that the marriage will end the painful rule of love in our lives.
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This will not and can not be: married as many doubts, hopes, fears, rejection and betrayal, as in the single life. Only by marriage looks peaceful, uneventful and boring nicely.
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marriage preparation, ideally, the educational task which lies on the culture as a whole. We stopped believing in dynastic marriages. We begin to see the flaws of romantic marriage. The time comes psychological marriages.

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